Scars 1.5 years post surgery

Several months ago, I was asked what my scars looked like healed after surgery from a fellow TOS patient.  I am really surprised how well they healed because I have a tendency to form keloid scars.  It is important to note that my surgeon glued my incisions instead of using traditional stitches.  I really enjoyed this approach, I found it less irritating than when I had stitches for my shoulder repair.   Below are pictures of my scars 1.5 years after my surgery.

zoomed in view of incision 

the extra fold created by the incisions

Perpetual Illness

The past several months I can't help but to think that I was cursed- cursed to be in some way shape or form ill.  Now, I realize I could have it A LOT worse and I am very thankful for the good fortunes I do have.  But honestly, the past few years have been rough - finding out all these things wrong, genetic abnormalities, or simply being the "exception to the rule".

I guess I should back up and tell you why these feelings came back in full force.  I got into a minor car accident which caused me to have shoulder surgery.  Yep you read that correctly, I had surgery...again.
The 4th surgery in a year and 2 weeks to be exact.  This summer I had to get a hole repaired in the capsule of my shoulder joint, fix a torn ligament, put in anchors (screws) and basically re-attached/secured a muscle.  Going into surgery they knew I needed a capsule repair but then found the additional problems and that my growth plate never fused together like it should have.  Ugh. Another genetic abnormality and another "rare" problem to fix (my type of shoulder tear is seen in about 10% of patients).

my new scar 

Positive: my TOS surgery from last summer was not affected, slowed my PT down but internally everything looks great.
Negative: I don't think I will ever get out of my PT's office. ;)

Joking aside, it really does take a toll on a person's mental and emotional state.  The recovery extra precautions, worry, physical activity isn't really allowed, learn so many new ways of doing every day tasks....the list could really go on forever.  I think the worst thing about the recovery process is the lack of confidence in yourself whether it be leisure time activities or chores around your house.  Feeling isolated/alone might be a close second or just further kills the confidence level.  I don't know, I haven't quite figured it out yet.

Is it wrong to think I am  and will be perpetually ill or that I was meant to be a science project?  Everyone says this has all happened for a reason but I don't think I'm convinced.  What is the life lesson here? How am I supposed to spin this on a job application or what personal virtue am I supposed to further develop - patience? What if, there was no reason for being a science project, the 1 in a million, the special case.  What if, the reason is just simply bad luck.

Everything's happen for a reason, right?

April 24th was my Golden Birthday - which means I turned 24 on the 24th (your age and date of birth match!)  This was also the day I got into a minor car accident with my mom.  The short story is we spent the day in the ER, mom is doing well, and I get to deal with the joys of traffic court, insurance companies, and personal injury.

To say the past week or so of bottled up thoughts and emotions is a whirlwind would be an little bit of an understatement.  I have almost become emotionally numb (key word almost) to the fact that my body took a beating and I more or less am starting over in my recovery journey.  My hips were pushed out of alignment and my shoulders/upper back are a mess.

Good news, the accident didn't disrupt or harm anything relating to my TOS surgery!!!
Bad news, they think I tore my rotator cuff and need to see a specialist.

I am mentally prepared for the worst and even have it mapped out in my brain how it would work.  MRI next week, surgery this summer, additional physical therapy on top of my TOS recovery schedule, continued no physical activity/strenuous activity for another 6 months.

I keep thinking everything happens for a reason and wonder what this reasoning is.  I keep thinking what am I supposed to learn from this or how will I use this new journey in my life.  I may be getting a head of myself but my heart says I have a complete tear based on feeling.  My brain says the same thing but based on my mobility limitations, extreme weakness, tingling, and poor tracking or the grinding/popping of the joint when I do move my arm.

Hopefully, things really do happen for a reason and although this is negative it can become a positive and meaningful experience.


 

Gym Confessions

I've taken a long time to process how my life has changed throughout the past few months - which meant my blog posts have been far and few between.

Recently, I have thought a lot about life after TOS.  I've thought about how I feel, what I'll be able to do/can do, regain my inner spark....the list really does go on and on but then it hit me about 2 weeks ago at the gym.

I was walking at the gym - it is about the 4th time or so I have been there since my surgery and I decided to try jogging.  As I slowly jogged, I could feel the familiar tightness spread across my chest and neck.  It became harder to breath, the jostling around amplified the tightness and then there it was...a slight tingling in my hands.

Even though I only jogged 0.35 miles and created minor TOS symptoms - it felt great.  It also made me sad- I missed jogging, I missed the sense of peace it gave me.  I felt like me when I jogged.  I went to do my PT exercises and I just kept thinking about how jogging made me feel.

It was there in a dim light, nearly silent exercise room at 24hr fitness that I found out TOS never really goes away.  Sure the surgery was successful but I was naive to think TOS wouldn't be apart of my life post surgery.  TOS still impacts how you think or how you feel about simple day to day activities (at least it does for me)!  More importantly, I think i accepted the fact I'm scared.  Scared of TOS re-occurrence by pushing myself, scared my recovery may take longer than 'normal'.

I am scared I will never find that inner peace I left between miles 2 and 3...             

Priorities

Have you ever thought about your priorities?  

Children, work, sleep, family, faith, school, physical health, nutrition, moving up the food chain at work, having the newest electronics, cars, fashion.....the list goes on and on.    

I'm sure some people say that at some point priorities have to be the same otherwise no one would never date,  marry or have children - or do anything really.  

Now I am not disagreeing with that but here is my question. are the priorities in the same order.

My guess....NO.

Think about it, there is no way humanly possible that so many people's priorities are the exact same at that exact time.  Lucky for most people they cross paths from time to time; because it is really devastating when you discover your an option to another person & they are your number one.  

Valentine's Day

I've said it once I'll say it again, I'm not a huge fan of Valentine's Day.  I'm sure in some degree it is because I am a bit bitter and jaded but honestly it just isn't the same as it was when you were little.  I love doing valentines for everyone, it was fun!  No stress, no expectations, no hurt feelings. Now it feels different.  Single folk feel left out, sad, lonely, unloved; guys feel obligated to get their girlfriends/wives flowers, chocolate, jewelry, fancy dinner.  let's be honest of a second, this is a Hallmark holiday - which is fine and maybe it is more for married couples with children to have an excuse to have date night and actually take the time out for one another instead of constantly focusing on the children. Or it gives the less romantic of guys a reminder or an excuse to be romantic. 

I - I just wonder what is wrong with wanting to feel loved/romanced or get Valentine day like treats unexpectedly throughout the year.  

Don't get me wrong, I love flowers, being taken out, feeling loved & appreciated - hello, who doesn't!? It still just goes back to the thought of obligation vs. desire for me.  Maybe it is a deep rooted psychological fear, thought, or perception I've always had and I need to seek counseling for (haha joking - kinda?) but I've never wanted to make someone feel obligated to feel a certain way when they just aren't there - think love the person where they are at not where you want them to be.  

I'm sure one day when I'm married and have rugrats, I will view this day differently but right now... I think I love the idea of unconditional love and random acts of romance. 

   

Romance in the long term

Romance to me is a funny thing. Especially if you look at it by generation. I'll admit it I'm kinda old school. Blame it on being jaded, very jaded or spending almost everyday with my grandparents; there is just something different the way generations do things.  It is a 2-way street ladies- what do you do for your man? or maybe romance is relative to the relationship and those involved....5 love languages anyone? Or maybe I just don't understand because:

• I don't live with my boyfriend
• Have hardly dated
• My current boyfriend saw me in the hospital...post surgery...saw 7 inch drainage tubes taken out of my back (twice)...dealt with my alligator tears and all my fears of surgery...BEFORE we started dating 

What sparked these thoughts - the Chris Miller Show.

Soooo, I was listening to my friend Chris's radio/internet talk show a few weeks ago (check out some of his archives and website  you'll be glad you did) not only did laugh but it really got me thinking. They got on the topic (more or less) of how do you keep the romance alive in a relationship after you have moved in or have just been together long enough to see the other person's grossness, keep the mystery.

I'm a curious person and asked around. These were the responses that most stood out:

- really Christine, why are you asking me this?... duh, sex
- the grossness doesn't matter, you accept them for being human for being themselves, do little things for each other
- you always need to have a finger on the pulse of the relationship, ask the other person what they need, and have regular date nights
- my cheesy June Clever answer- clean all dolled up and in heels...oh TV Land haha
- recognize when the other person is really making an effort
- act like strangers in a public place, meeting for the 1st time
- takes 2 to make or break a relationship, romance isn't one sided

This is basically what I got out of it.
You're gross, they're gross, recognize that you both are human and do little things for each other along the way, whether it is beer and wings, flowers, showering regularly or working a little harder to hide your grossness, oh and the obvious matters... intimacy 

I'm sorry I neglected you...

As usual, I tend to disappear, go into hiding during times of stress and during my breaks from school. why? because I have nothing positive, profound, or even entertaining to say. So here is a quick update

• I'm alive
• My recovery took a digger (setback) 
• Passed my classes with almost straight A's damn you A- (overachiever, high standards, blah, blah...)
• I've been spending time with family and friends to get my mind right
• Visited Iowa, Colorado Springs, and Arizona
• Supporting my friends via Internet a lot lately - free & random pick me up ...take a look...you'll thank me later...
• Adjusting to 2 male roommates flatmates housemates
• Transiting my house from college to grownup 
• Finalizing my new year resolutions...more info to come...
• Check out my newest blog, planning on updating it now and again with updated TOS news, preventative items, PT/comfort tricks.  Please feel free to share this URL with anyone that may find it useful or struggling with TOS
• http://tosoverview.blogspot.com/

It is what it is

I hate the way you look at me and the way you stare
I hate it when you look sexy in your pea coat and stupid neutral clothes
I hate it when you shut down and when you're not around
I hate it when I don't sleep unless you are there
I hate it when you are always right and when it makes me not good enough
I hate when you cut yourself short
I hate it when you talk about your friends as if you were dating and when you're quiet
I hate the fact you assume my likes and dislikes
I hate it when you call me the worst and mean it
I hate when you make me laugh even more when you make me cry
I hate how you pick on me and tell me to relax
Mostly I hate the way I don't hate you not even a little bit, not even at all

I miss...

the way things used to be.  This past 2 weeks have been a challenge.  I thought I had become this vessel of strength that could take on anything well after being broken into, having to go back on a muscle relaxer/pain med, and trying to be perfect so I could be that ray of sunshine I was quickly reminded I am human, I have limits, I can be an emotional girl.

I didn't think that losing my grandmother's jewelry would send me down the path of emotional rollercoaster like when she passed away, but it did.  This past few weeks I've gone through the numb/unhappy/why me stage and now I am hypersensitive and just want to be perfect stage.  Which only makes matters worse, increases my anxiety, and sends those around me into shut down mood when I take a joke or a smirk personal and cry.  I feel bad for those around me because I went from being a girl that needed anyone but always kept them at a distance because they just always disappointed her to being the girl that needs the people around her 5-6 days a week to function and feel safe.

I miss:
being highly independent, the world can't hurt me attitude.
having my heart race when you'd hold my hand.
the warmth from my (bear) hug of the day exchanged among friends at work
being good at school.
not being in significant amounts of pain.
the excitement in your eyes when you'd look at me.
ridiculous comments throughout hour long conversations, hearing you become tongue tied while explaining something
dancing around, acting goofy.
your humming.
listening to friends dink around with their keyboard and guitars.
feeling safe in my house, having it be warm and inviting so everyone would enjoy spending time there.
feeling nervous and taking my time to get ready when we'd all hang out because I liked you (hello when harry met sally? haha )
sharing a common space with someone while studying, playing video games, watching tv, just hanging out...your presence.
the way we were.
actually seeing/spending time with friends.
me.

A little shocked

It never fails, when you need people they call you out of the blue or finally return your call.  Friday not only was I robbed but the one person who always makes me feel better called, but didn't actually speak to them until Sunday evening.

It's funny how that works out, they always know when something isn't quite right so they call to check up on you.  I had a good conversation with him, caught up on all his life happenings, which were a bit shocking.

We exchanged life updates, he asked me all about my new job (couldn't be more impressed/happy for me) and my boyfriend.  (side note: I didn't date in the past, I'm a little bit picky and just don't like a lot of people... so it's kind of a big deal among my friends and family because they want nothing but the best for me and don't believe i should settle) anyway... My friend shocked me this evening by not only giving approval of my dating choice ...but he said he realized/thought his ex was the one.

Yep, that awkward moment when your first love approves of your dating choice and tells you they think they found the one.  Not even upset or sad, just a little shocked because I didn't realize how serious his relationship had gotten.

Is this what growing up is like?  Being happy and hopeful for the ones you love despite past emotions, if so I think I got this part covered...

Thank you

Mom, Dad, if you are reading my blog -  Thank you.  I know I have had some hiccups in life decisions and you hate my panic, tearful phone calls.  I'm very thankful for the things you've helped me accomplish and provided; I'm thankful for the things you didn't give me and made me work for all on my own.  I realize that all 3 of us kids are giving you a run for your money right now so thanks for caring, pushing us, and being there for us in your own distinct (and different) ways.

Love,
Your Daughter

My brother Jonathan, Dad, and I on Christmas (it was a mild winter in Iowa last year)

Mom and big brother Adam

Some things you can never get back

This weekend started off very rough.  Friday morning my house was broken into and precious jewelry was stolen.  Both my roommate and I had gotten things stolen but I especially lost my marbles because most of items that were stolen were from family members for special occasions.  The worst thing that was stolen was my custom made ring my grandpa gave me from my grandma's diamond and ruby earring she wore almost every day.  I will never be able to replace that ring, the memories, and the sense of comfort knowing that a piece of her was with me.

I'm a little bit of a jumpy person - easily scared if you will.  Now, I am definitely jumpy.  I can't help but to think the robber was in my house the same time I was due to items being out of place both times I had returned that day and that all they took was jewelry so what was keeping them for returning for our other valuables.  Not to mention the feeling of violation, they were in my room, sat on my bed, picked through my things.  I feel devastated.  I believe I've only felt this helpless 2 other times in my life:

1. when my grandma actually passed away
2. when I found out I had a rare syndrome (TOS) and the doctor wasn't sure how to treat it

I'm sure there are others but these are the top two that distinctly stand out.  My grandpa told me that no one can take away the memory or presence of my grandma and she never left my side but I just can't feel her anymore.  It's like she just passed away and I"m reliving every memory of it.  He's worried I'll become consumed by grief like I did in high school.  I'll lose sight of the big picture, forget to take care of myself and strive for perfection- tunnel vision, no mistakes, educational success, no sleep, and go into hermit mode.  I hate to admit it but, he has every right to worry about me this has been a hectic and life altering couple of months.

- surgery, robbery, school, new job, boyfriend, new roommate, medical bill stress, body image struggles (post surgery scars/not being able to do as much)

It's a lot, I work through it every day.  As for now, my house makes creepy sounds.  I don't like to be alone especially at night, everything will work itself out if I keep trying little by little. 

I will find peace again, hopefully it doesn't take another 6-7 years, I hope another part of me doesn't die like it did in high school.  I'm just accepting that some things you can never get back but that doesn't mean the memories are gone forever...

Emotions

That awkward moment you react to a situation in a way you weren't expecting.  Man, this has happened to me all week.  Fact: sometimes all you need to do is cry and it'll make you feel better...I can tell I am stressed given the fact I've cried oh pretty much every day this week.  Yep, no shame.  I cried, I felt better; end of story.

it's funny though when you react to a situation you weren't expecting at all.  For example, tonight I was told that someone close to me was planning on moving when their lease was up, I started to cry.  There wasn't an exact reason, I just couldn't help the tears from building up (that's been happening a lot lately!  failed attempts at a great date night, watching a movie that reminds me of my grandma, or when medical departments try to screw you over...)

Normally, in the above situation I would be so excited for them; I would say I think that is wonderful, you need to get out of your comfort zone, go experience a different city that you've always wanted to live in, be closer to one of your best friends whom you love, Denver will always be here - go be free!  But what did I do...tears, I couldn't help it.  I felt sad.  Really sad.  That's when I realized, maybe I care for this person a little more than I expected; I mean why else would I be so upset about the given situation?

It is very possible that it ignited by old bad habits of not being good enough, smart enough, available enough, similar enough, or make someone happy enough to find the silver lining.  All I know is this:  It's that awkward moment when emotions react faster than your brain and when you realize what's the point...  

If you could, would you choose the same path?

These questions has been swirling inside my brain for the past few weeks.  The question of, "If I could, would I have the surgery again?" or "Do you wish you had the surgery sooner?" and "Would you advise your surgery for another person?"  My simple answer...yes.

I definitely would choose surgery again, and I do wish I would have had surgery sooner despite the pain, frustration, tears (oh so many tears), and feeling like an broken unanswered science project; I feel better- not great but better.  I wouldn't even blink or skip a heart beat, I would do it all over.  Would I listen to my heart more saying have the surgery, your friends and family will understand eventually, definitely.  I spent so much time going back and forth, thinking about the pros and cons, asking myself did I do everything in my power to be better, and how much longer can you hide/overcome the pain.  I remember thinking, what would it be like if I died on the operating table or  had to have a chest tube; would the world that I lived in change - maybe?  I was terrified of dying and I was disappointed in myself for agreeing with those who said I had given up, said I was weak.  My heart was heavy, my body hurt, and my mind - my mind was tired; tired of focusing on something that was only getting worse.

My PT told me yesterday, you know it is really hard to decide lets remove a rib from my body, let alone 2 ribs....at a young age.  I'm glad you got the surgery, I'm happy you don't cry during the entire PT session anymore and I can see you smile.  I couldn't agree more!  When is the right time in your life to say, "Enough is Enough.  I'm done, I've tried everything in my power and I keep  getting worse" - you'll know that moment when you get there.  TOS presents itself in a variety of ways, maybe you were born with it, maybe it was caused by repetitive movements, or from a traumatic injury.  Whatever the case may be- surgery is individual, your disease is individual, its misdiagnosed, misunderstood, and mistreated.

My advice for 1st rib resection surgery for TOS is this:  The decision is yours.  Surgery is long, you'll wake up in extreme pain, and recovery is a slow process.  However, you'll see a change in symptoms despite the pain and discomfort that the surgery caused.  There will be highs and there will be lows- hearing others stories will provide comfort and emotional distress (why are they healing faster than me {childish I know, but it's part of the mental game})  

1st rib resection surgery changed my life forever.  I feel my spark coming back to life and am excited what the future holds.  It's been hard.  I still feel broken and freakish some days and I still cry.  It is all part of the process.  I was told to slow down, had I broken my arm I would have just gotten my cast of and Christine you've  had this your entire life, what made you think recovery was going to be immediate without a lot of hard work?  They were right, I got so excited I forgot - surgery isn't an easy fix, it takes work to heal properly!

There have been a lot of rough very rough days, but this is me, this is my story, my disease, my life and I'm owning it.

A change in direction

Today I quit my job at Office Max and accepted a position as a research assistant in the Cancer Prevention Control Department on campus and became an official Colorado resident.  I'm slightly overwhelmed and nervous!  I hope that I am as great of a person, student, worker that my new bosses think I am.  I do feel very blessed on having the opportunity to work with a wonderful department and  have them help me reach my goals of cancer research and becoming an oncologist.

Even though I've never intended on returning to Iowa, it is still and will forever be my home.  I don't tell people I'm from Denver or even Colorado.  I say I live in Colorado but I am an Iowa farm kid.  It was a very bittersweet moment today getting rid of my Iowa license plates.  Is it a sign I actually need to be an adult and grow up now?  Mom, Dad....HELP!!! There is a part of me that wants to stay the baby of the family forever; feel protected by my family members.

I'm really excited about this change in direction, working for something that will help me further my career not to just pay the bills but I can't help to be skeptical.  What if I find out my dream of working with cancer patients, researching cancer, and being in that arena in general is a bust and I hate it?!

**yes I'm aware this song is about dating, but it has been stuck in my head all day and minus the dating part it could fit this post ;) **

Remind me of...

They remind me of my struggle; my struggle for 'normalcy'.  They remind me of path to health, one that gives better quality of life.  They remind me I am special, unique, a fighter.  They remind me of the pain, the tears, and the tingles.  They remind me of the discomfort, self guilt, self pity, and lack of self acceptance. They remind me of my secret, hidden life.  They remind me of the lack of understanding, knowledge, and consistency among the medical field.  They remind me to keep moving forward, but to never forget where I was.  They remind me to take things with a grain of salt - not everything is life or death.  They remind me that I chose freedom to control my body and lifestyle....They remind me that I survived...

They still hurt, get caught on clothes, are red, puffy, and are slightly numb...I am grateful for the daily reminders.  I still don't love them.  They make me very self conscious; some people stare, some people make assumptions, and they give me armpit boob (not too cute haha) but it's okay.  It is all part of the process.  I'm sure in a few months I will say, "they remind me that I am beautiful and resilient" but for now... I'm still adjusting.

So, what are "they"?
          -My Scars
On difficult days, I read this and it helps.

From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story.  A story that says, "I have survived." - Mhar

The dreaded armpit flab/side boob haha

Recovery on a down slope

Recovering from surgery has its ups and downs.  I mentioned earlier that I've been in a slump or as my mom would like to say, "Pip squeak, you are depressed. Baby girl, this isn't like you."  I don't disagree but I don't want to admit that I'm depressed at the same time.

I've been depressed largely due to my activity level and how sluggish my right side is healing.  Sure, I was "active" before my surgery, I tried to keep myself busy.  I would attempt working out so it would make sense why chilling extra hard all summer would be difficult.  The not lifting more than 5 pounds in theory doesn't seem that hard but in practice might as well be climbing Everest or solving the nations economic crisis.  I hate asking people for help because I think I am putting them out and it is embarrassing.  I'm 23 not  83!! It is the simple things too, taking out the trash, cleaning my home, sleeping on my stomach, getting off the floor without using your upper body.  It is extremely difficult to adjust automatically to a new life or a new way to do things while you are recovering.  You have to consciously think of every moment, every activity, and every breath for that matter.  Everything you do becomes an Olympic endurance event; it is planned, calculated, practiced, rethought, performed, analyzed, and readjusted. 

I know healing takes time and is a very complex process, I get that.  What I don't understand is how to tell myself: things will be okay, your body heals at different rates, don't give up.  It is so much easier to tell that to a client than be the client.  Furthermore, I tried to convince myself before the surgery that it really wasn't that big of a deal, routine surgery - it's not.  It is a very invasive, intense surgery that required me to spend 7 full days in the hospital.  I've had 3 chest x-rays, a CT scan, EKG, and lots of blood tests all because my lungs weren't quite up to par and they were afraid I had collapsed them or had a blood clot.     

The main source of my depression, no bull shit, straight up - I don't recognize the girl in the mirror anymore, I simply have a loss of self identity.  The thing about my TOS is I've had it my entire life and didn't realize that kids my age didn't experience the things that I did every day.  My entire life, I have been in pain.  I didn't talk about it, I didn't WANT to talk about it.  I'm still young, still trying to figure out the world, who I am, and how I fit into the world.  Several people have told me that it is no different than cancer survivors or other people who have had massive surgery but I disagree.  I disagree based on the fact I've had this my entire life, I fully accept the fact that I may not have known I had TOS my entire life but I have felt like a mystery science project - different.  Other people may not identify me as the girl with medical issues but before being a dancer, student, science nerd, I was a kid in pain.

Unlike other diseases or disorders you remember a time before the diagnosis - I don't.  I don't know or remember a time before the pain, before accepting the role of a science project.  I don't know how to be a normal functioning person!  I don't know what to say when people ask me about it.  Do I say, I had TOS or make a joke out of it saying my parents loved me so much they gave me extra bones and got them removed because they gave me a run for my money.  Or is it one of those cases where you will always have reminders of your journey but you reached the destination and it is over leaving you to the next adventure?

I'm lost, have been lost for awhile now.  I can't say that I am out of my slump as I write this rant but I will say this.  Recent comments from people with TOS discovering my blog has helped rise me up a bit, I never thought other people with TOS would find my journey helpful or comforting knowing they weren't alone....It made me realize that I am not completely alone which at the end of the day is nice.

 

My escape

Throughout my blogging experience I've noticed that when things get really busy or when I'm in a slump talking about my feelings in the moment is the last thing I want to do.  Granted, this fact is true about hmm 85% of my life...healthy I know!  With that being said I am not surprised that the next few rants and raves will be on the more somber side. 

I knew I would become depressed during my recovery process; in my opinion, I consider it very normal and would be concerned had it not happened.  Although I expected the slump, I didn't expect that everything would come to a head all at the same time.  From family bummers, relationship doubts, loss of identity, general struggles, and the big financial worry big restriction of activity financial worries  = I needed an escape.
 

I escaped to Wyoming and it may have been the best thing I have ever done.  Did I run away?  You bet your ass I did.  I went home with my best friend to visit his family in the small town of Green River.  It was just what I needed; the 2 friends I went with never judge, understand where I am coming from yet challenge me to better myself, aaannd give me that swift kick in the butt to move on from things.  They are part of my family whether they like it or not. 

I think the best thing about my escape was the fact the quiet surroundings reminded me of home, something that I desperately needed in this recovery slump.  I needed to be around people that I didn't need to wear a mask around.  (My boyfriend would be annoyed that I'm quoting Batman but...) Honestly, there are people that I feel I need to protect from my life or my emotions so I wear a happy go lucky mask and pretend as if I'm not in pain or can't get out of my own anxiety state.  I'm sure I put on a happy face for my benefit as well, the old wife's tale, "if you smile or think positive, things will be better and good" I don't want people  my parents feeling responsible for my TOS, granted it is their genetics but it's not their fault and I don't want to send my friends into a depressed state because they don't know how to handle or help with my recovery process. 

In Wyoming, it was the typical going home trip.  There were massive amounts of love, warmth, a few decent amount of tears, alcohol consumption...times 5, a fully stocked fridge, deck chilling, hot tubing, and dancing. 

I was reminded that, I needed to worry about myself and focus less on how my friends and family were coping with my recovery.  I focused on how I felt about my recovery, reasons why I was in my slump, and reflected on how my life was starting over in a way and what I wanted to do with it. 

My Deepest Fear

Fact: I haven't felt like myself in a very long time.  Maybe it is due to the slump of recovery or being in a state of limbo or trying to be everything for everyone or all of life stresses hitting me at the same time.  Whatever it is my anxiety about my life was somehow decreased when my friend sent me this quote.

What do I fear?

I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average.

I fear being forgotten...The past...Yesterdays' news.  I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night.  I fear letting those that I love down, letting myself down. 

I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is: mindset.  I fear dying without leaving my mark.  I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. 

These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.

I love my fear. 

I love this quote because these are the fears that no one talks about.  Sure, you think about them when you are falling asleep but do you tell them to someone or better yet - do you admit to yourself?  Chances are you don't.  I didn't tell others (until now) these are my deepest fears.  I have always feared not being enough, doing enough, and dying without making a difference to those around me. 

Fear is scary, can be silly, but fear drives you to a place you've never been before, challenges you, and forces to look at yourself in a different light.  I hope I don't lose my sense of drive and fear because I'm not sure what kind of person I'd be without it...