Friday, September 13, 2013

Perpetual Illness

The past several months I can't help but to think that I was cursed- cursed to be in some way shape or form ill.  Now, I realize I could have it A LOT worse and I am very thankful for the good fortunes I do have.  But honestly, the past few years have been rough - finding out all these things wrong, genetic abnormalities, or simply being the "exception to the rule".

I guess I should back up and tell you why these feelings came back in full force.  I got into a minor car accident which caused me to have shoulder surgery.  Yep you read that correctly, I had surgery...again.
The 4th surgery in a year and 2 weeks to be exact.  This summer I had to get a hole repaired in the capsule of my shoulder joint, fix a torn ligament, put in anchors (screws) and basically re-attached/secured a muscle.  Going into surgery they knew I needed a capsule repair but then found the additional problems and that my growth plate never fused together like it should have.  Ugh. Another genetic abnormality and another "rare" problem to fix (my type of shoulder tear is seen in about 10% of patients).

my new scar 

Positive: my TOS surgery from last summer was not affected, slowed my PT down but internally everything looks great.
Negative: I don't think I will ever get out of my PT's office. ;)

Joking aside, it really does take a toll on a person's mental and emotional state.  The recovery extra precautions, worry, physical activity isn't really allowed, learn so many new ways of doing every day tasks....the list could really go on forever.  I think the worst thing about the recovery process is the lack of confidence in yourself whether it be leisure time activities or chores around your house.  Feeling isolated/alone might be a close second or just further kills the confidence level.  I don't know, I haven't quite figured it out yet.

Is it wrong to think I am  and will be perpetually ill or that I was meant to be a science project?  Everyone says this has all happened for a reason but I don't think I'm convinced.  What is the life lesson here? How am I supposed to spin this on a job application or what personal virtue am I supposed to further develop - patience? What if, there was no reason for being a science project, the 1 in a million, the special case.  What if, the reason is just simply bad luck.

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