Saturday, October 27, 2012

It is what it is

I hate the way you look at me and the way you stare
I hate it when you look sexy in your pea coat and stupid neutral clothes
I hate it when you shut down and when you're not around
I hate it when I don't sleep unless you are there
I hate it when you are always right and when it makes me not good enough
I hate when you cut yourself short
I hate it when you talk about your friends as if you were dating and when you're quiet
I hate the fact you assume my likes and dislikes
I hate it when you call me the worst and mean it
I hate when you make me laugh even more when you make me cry
I hate how you pick on me and tell me to relax
Mostly I hate the way I don't hate you not even a little bit, not even at all

Saturday, October 20, 2012

I miss...

the way things used to be.  This past 2 weeks have been a challenge.  I thought I had become this vessel of strength that could take on anything well after being broken into, having to go back on a muscle relaxer/pain med, and trying to be perfect so I could be that ray of sunshine I was quickly reminded I am human, I have limits, I can be an emotional girl.

I didn't think that losing my grandmother's jewelry would send me down the path of emotional rollercoaster like when she passed away, but it did.  This past few weeks I've gone through the numb/unhappy/why me stage and now I am hypersensitive and just want to be perfect stage.  Which only makes matters worse, increases my anxiety, and sends those around me into shut down mood when I take a joke or a smirk personal and cry.  I feel bad for those around me because I went from being a girl that needed anyone but always kept them at a distance because they just always disappointed her to being the girl that needs the people around her 5-6 days a week to function and feel safe.

I miss:
being highly independent, the world can't hurt me attitude.
having my heart race when you'd hold my hand.
the warmth from my (bear) hug of the day exchanged among friends at work
being good at school.
not being in significant amounts of pain.
the excitement in your eyes when you'd look at me.
ridiculous comments throughout hour long conversations, hearing you become tongue tied while explaining something
dancing around, acting goofy.
your humming.
listening to friends dink around with their keyboard and guitars.
feeling safe in my house, having it be warm and inviting so everyone would enjoy spending time there.
feeling nervous and taking my time to get ready when we'd all hang out because I liked you (hello when harry met sally? haha )
sharing a common space with someone while studying, playing video games, watching tv, just hanging out...your presence.
the way we were.
actually seeing/spending time with friends.

Monday, October 8, 2012

A little shocked

It never fails, when you need people they call you out of the blue or finally return your call.  Friday not only was I robbed but the one person who always makes me feel better called, but didn't actually speak to them until Sunday evening.

It's funny how that works out, they always know when something isn't quite right so they call to check up on you.  I had a good conversation with him, caught up on all his life happenings, which were a bit shocking.

We exchanged life updates, he asked me all about my new job (couldn't be more impressed/happy for me) and my boyfriend.  (side note: I didn't date in the past, I'm a little bit picky and just don't like a lot of people... so it's kind of a big deal among my friends and family because they want nothing but the best for me and don't believe i should settle) anyway... My friend shocked me this evening by not only giving approval of my dating choice ...but he said he realized/thought his ex was the one.

Yep, that awkward moment when your first love approves of your dating choice and tells you they think they found the one.  Not even upset or sad, just a little shocked because I didn't realize how serious his relationship had gotten.

Is this what growing up is like?  Being happy and hopeful for the ones you love despite past emotions, if so I think I got this part covered...

Thank you

Mom, Dad, if you are reading my blog -  Thank you.  I know I have had some hiccups in life decisions and you hate my panic, tearful phone calls.  I'm very thankful for the things you've helped me accomplish and provided; I'm thankful for the things you didn't give me and made me work for all on my own.  I realize that all 3 of us kids are giving you a run for your money right now so thanks for caring, pushing us, and being there for us in your own distinct (and different) ways.

Your Daughter

My brother Jonathan, Dad, and I on Christmas (it was a mild winter in Iowa last year)
Mom and big brother Adam

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Some things you can never get back

This weekend started off very rough.  Friday morning my house was broken into and precious jewelry was stolen.  Both my roommate and I had gotten things stolen but I especially lost my marbles because most of items that were stolen were from family members for special occasions.  The worst thing that was stolen was my custom made ring my grandpa gave me from my grandma's diamond and ruby earring she wore almost every day.  I will never be able to replace that ring, the memories, and the sense of comfort knowing that a piece of her was with me.

I'm a little bit of a jumpy person - easily scared if you will.  Now, I am definitely jumpy.  I can't help but to think the robber was in my house the same time I was due to items being out of place both times I had returned that day and that all they took was jewelry so what was keeping them for returning for our other valuables.  Not to mention the feeling of violation, they were in my room, sat on my bed, picked through my things.  I feel devastated.  I believe I've only felt this helpless 2 other times in my life:

  1. when my grandma actually passed away
  2. when I found out I had a rare syndrome (TOS) and the doctor wasn't sure how to treat it
I'm sure there are others but these are the top two that distinctly stand out.  My grandpa told me that no one can take away the memory or presence of my grandma and she never left my side but I just can't feel her anymore.  It's like she just passed away and I"m reliving every memory of it.  He's worried I'll become consumed by grief like I did in high school.  I'll lose sight of the big picture, forget to take care of myself and strive for perfection- tunnel vision, no mistakes, educational success, no sleep, and go into hermit mode.  I hate to admit it but, he has every right to worry about me this has been a hectic and life altering couple of months.

- surgery, robbery, school, new job, boyfriend, new roommate, medical bill stress, body image struggles (post surgery scars/not being able to do as much)

It's a lot, I work through it every day.  As for now, my house makes creepy sounds.  I don't like to be alone especially at night, everything will work itself out if I keep trying little by little. 

I will find peace again, hopefully it doesn't take another 6-7 years, I hope another part of me doesn't die like it did in high school.  I'm just accepting that some things you can never get back but that doesn't mean the memories are gone forever...