Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Gym Confessions

I've taken a long time to process how my life has changed throughout the past few months - which meant my blog posts have been far and few between.

Recently, I have thought a lot about life after TOS.  I've thought about how I feel, what I'll be able to do/can do, regain my inner spark....the list really does go on and on but then it hit me about 2 weeks ago at the gym.

I was walking at the gym - it is about the 4th time or so I have been there since my surgery and I decided to try jogging.  As I slowly jogged, I could feel the familiar tightness spread across my chest and neck.  It became harder to breath, the jostling around amplified the tightness and then there it was...a slight tingling in my hands.

Even though I only jogged 0.35 miles and created minor TOS symptoms - it felt great.  It also made me sad- I missed jogging, I missed the sense of peace it gave me.  I felt like me when I jogged.  I went to do my PT exercises and I just kept thinking about how jogging made me feel.

It was there in a dim light, nearly silent exercise room at 24hr fitness that I found out TOS never really goes away.  Sure the surgery was successful but I was naive to think TOS wouldn't be apart of my life post surgery.  TOS still impacts how you think or how you feel about simple day to day activities (at least it does for me)!  More importantly, I think i accepted the fact I'm scared.  Scared of TOS re-occurrence by pushing myself, scared my recovery may take longer than 'normal'.

I am scared I will never find that inner peace I left between miles 2 and 3...             

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