Monday, August 27, 2012

My escape

Throughout my blogging experience I've noticed that when things get really busy or when I'm in a slump talking about my feelings in the moment is the last thing I want to do.  Granted, this fact is true about hmm 85% of my life...healthy I know!  With that being said I am not surprised that the next few rants and raves will be on the more somber side. 

I knew I would become depressed during my recovery process; in my opinion, I consider it very normal and would be concerned had it not happened.  Although I expected the slump, I didn't expect that everything would come to a head all at the same time.  From family bummers, relationship doubts, loss of identity, general struggles, and the big financial worry big restriction of activity financial worries  = I needed an escape.

I escaped to Wyoming and it may have been the best thing I have ever done.  Did I run away?  You bet your ass I did.  I went home with my best friend to visit his family in the small town of Green River.  It was just what I needed; the 2 friends I went with never judge, understand where I am coming from yet challenge me to better myself, aaannd give me that swift kick in the butt to move on from things.  They are part of my family whether they like it or not. 

I think the best thing about my escape was the fact the quiet surroundings reminded me of home, something that I desperately needed in this recovery slump.  I needed to be around people that I didn't need to wear a mask around.  (My boyfriend would be annoyed that I'm quoting Batman but...) Honestly, there are people that I feel I need to protect from my life or my emotions so I wear a happy go lucky mask and pretend as if I'm not in pain or can't get out of my own anxiety state.  I'm sure I put on a happy face for my benefit as well, the old wife's tale, "if you smile or think positive, things will be better and good" I don't want people  my parents feeling responsible for my TOS, granted it is their genetics but it's not their fault and I don't want to send my friends into a depressed state because they don't know how to handle or help with my recovery process. 

In Wyoming, it was the typical going home trip.  There were massive amounts of love, warmth, a few decent amount of tears, alcohol consumption...times 5, a fully stocked fridge, deck chilling, hot tubing, and dancing. 

I was reminded that, I needed to worry about myself and focus less on how my friends and family were coping with my recovery.  I focused on how I felt about my recovery, reasons why I was in my slump, and reflected on how my life was starting over in a way and what I wanted to do with it. 

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