Friday, September 2, 2011

Big Kid School?

This past Monday was my 1st real day of graduate classes; meaning everyone was back in school not just random people taking summer classes and I will no longer have online classes (YAY).  Despite the fact, I have classmates I see on a regular basis I still feel like a visitor in my new city.  I can't stop thinking- what did I get myself into? 

During undergrad, I would like to consider myself known.  Teachers knew me, fellow students knew me, was in several student orgs, kinda loud, joked around with people, even had an on campus job!  It was normal for me to be on campus for 14 hours straight working, studying, being in class, working out or just hanging out.  Some days I really hated being on campus that long and if you ask most people they would say I was up tight and needed a dose of reality and fun.  But the fact of the matter was this- I loved it and no one really gave me a reason to leave.  I loved that my friends and I would hang out together, study, go to the gym, and attempt to seduce the lab operator into letting us stay overnight-sure it sucked but at least I wasn't at home alone all day, feeling like a prisoner in my own house.  I was with other people, cracking jokes, having real conversations, and hello getting smart!  I'm told nerds are in right now haha 

Did I pass up a lot of offers to go out. Damn straight I did; do I regret some of that- yeah I do and a lot can change in a year.  Throughout my college experience, I've had very few stable friends; people change, conflicting schedules prevent you from seeing each other, and some graduated and moved on- at the end of the day I always had school.  More importantly I was good at school.  I knew how to work the system, be a charmer, network my way to the top. 

My new school is in Denver; exciting new city to live in, great roomies, bestie lives just down the street, and I'm learning a different aspect of health.  All of these things are great.  So what's the problem? I'm really never on campus, am clearly one of the youngest people in my program- by 10-15 years.  I spend all of my time at home now (Weird-can't say I enjoy that) and feel isolated/disconnected from those around me.  I realize this aspect is part of growing up and having that quarter life crisis of not really knowing what you want to be when you grow up but still should it feel like this?  I also believe my current health impairments and uncertainty doesn't help the situation either.  Will it all be worth it in the end- do people truly keep burning you or disappointing you- say one thing, do the complete opposite?  So what's a kid to do when they graduate into big kid school; where classmates are established, have children or are engaged, don't really converse, are super competitive, and student orgs aren't really organized?  I guess I'll just take it one step at a time- I mean it is the 1st week...of fall semester!   

1 comment:

  1. DUDE.....definitely going through the "quarter life crisis". This couldn't be farther from the truth. I find myself asking for people's my parents who always knew the answers or friends and all they say now is..."its up to you, its your life". I love the freedom of it, but hate the responsibiltiy or this heavy weight on my shoulders of not knowing exactly what I want to do! LOL... There was my rant of the day agreeing with your rant :) lol