Just Plain Jane Christine?

normal:- adj

usual; regular; common; typical

For most of my life I have always wanted to be normal.  I didn't want to be the only divorced kid in a small community; I didn't want to be the chubby tall girl; I didn't want to be in special education classes (what up title 2 reading and math...cue 'look at me now' music); I didn't want to be seen in any way, shape or form as being different.  Most recently, I didn't want to be the 23 year old medical science project anymore.

Growing up I didn't  understand that being normal was:

1.  boring
2.  didn't make those college essays jump off the page
3.  a pretty vague definition
4.  was not exactly in my future
5. overrated

The older I got the more I became to realize even though I looked like others my age - I physically felt different.  I felt caged in unable to live my life - my heart weighed down with pain and sadness despite my upbeat manner.  It secretly influenced my life for years only to later control my day to day scenes.

It has been 5 weeks since I left the hospital after my surgeries, a very long and trying 5 weeks but I got through them.  I got passed collapsed lung scares, fluid filled lung scares, blood clot scares, physical therapy downers, and post op pain, numbness, low energy and less than positive demeanor.  Lets not get things twisted, I still struggle with down days, pain, being tired easily, having trouble breathing, and can't really use my arms to lift anything, but for the first time yesterday I felt normal. 

Yesterday was the first time I decided to french braid my hair all fancy like.  As far as I can remember, it was the first time ever my hands didn't go numb, tingle, get heavy, turn ghost white, or become cold.  I know it doesn't sound like much, but that dose of normalcy is exactly what I needed to refocus my heart and brain back into believing that being my broken self was okay. 

This past 5 weeks, I think I finally learned that being 'normal' doesn't truly exist given the basic definition.  Being normal is what you do daily to thrive in your environment given your own personal and unique situation.

My surgical scars help remind me that my journey in life is not typical or common but is my normal, my unparalleled experience. 


  

I had TOS surgery...rib resection surgery

Almost a month ago, I had bilateral rib resection surgery and a partial scalenectomy for thoracic outlet syndrome.  In real people terms, I had one hell of a surgery twice in one week!  I spent a full week in the hospital, and am looking down a long 6 month recovery road.  Here's a better idea and picture of what they did.  My amazing doctor created space in my chest to stop the compression on my brachial plexus on both sides of my body!

• Remove the fibrous tissue band from c7 (bottom of my neck) to the middle of my 1st rib
• Divide and detach anterior scalene muscle from 1st rib ( muscle wider than usual and fan shaped)
• Detach small part of middle scalene muscle from 1st rib
• Remove 1st rib (wider than what's normal for my body size)
• Shorten c7's elongated processes to regular length
• Reroute or straighten out the  artery, nerve, vein
• Remove extensive amounts of scar tissue

I'm still not quite sure what to think about the surgery that I had - I do feel little improvements already regardless of the post op pain and I am very thankful for all the support I've received along this path.  This path hasn't been easy for me or my family especially when trying to explain the magnitude of the problem through the telephone and how it affects almost every aspect of my daily life.  I have experienced some really great post surgery days and some pretty awful depressive days - all of which I fell are normal and expected.

In short, I am thankful I had surgery.  I have a great support system, am learning how being inactive is actually harder than I imagined, but mostly I am excited to live a different life.  A life (hopefully) without excessive pain and the ability to do the things I want instead of the things my physical therapist and body allow me to.  Oh, I'm trying to adjust to the force of my body movements being pushed off to the 2nd and 3rd ribs causing added pain and tenderness there!
 


Here are just some of the beautiful flowers I got in the hospital...the nurses kept saying I had a flower shop for a room and told me I was special that so many people cared for me.  I couldn't agree more!  One CNA even took a picture of one of the flower arrangements  to show her florist for her wedding bouquet! :)


Haha!  Just taking a mid-morning stroll with all my favorite accessories...note the medical fanny/hip pack!  Ridiculous...definitely going to be a summer must have.



The 3 C's of life: choices, chances and changes. You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change.

I'm am so relieved I got over my fear of having surgery.  In my hearts of hearts, I know I made the right choice. 

When was the last time you took a chance in hopes to change your life forever?

Looking back...

This past few months have been beyond busy with work, school, life, and health concerns that I haven't felt like updating my blog.  More than anything, I didn't really feel as if I had anything interesting, inspiring, funny or any rants to share or anything that I was emotionally ready to share.  I got thinking the other day, where I was at this time two years ago and then last summer and how they seem like a lifetime away. 

Cliffs of Moher

Two years ago, I had just gotten back from my semester abroad in Ireland and traveling across Europe.  Lets not forget: experiencing Sin City with my best friend and cramming for the MCAT when I had a new outlook on life that caused me to feel medicine and the health industry weren't for me.  Two years ago, I wasn't happy about house hunting in Fort Collins, living in Colorado, and wasn't sure what I wanted to be when I "grew up."
 
Last summer, I was splitting my time between Fort Collins and Denver.  I worked 45 hours a week for 2-3 weeks then had 2-3 weeks off that was spent in Denver attending my first semester in graduate school.  I was transitioning from focused yet slightly reckless fun loving undergrad to highly determined grad student trying to match life experience obtained by her 30-50 year old classmates.  I attended my best friends wedding and moved to Denver full time in August.  My free time was consumed with playing the doctor hopping game trying to discover the source of several musculoskeletal and vascular concerns.  Last summer, I was exhausted, strung out, and emotionally broken.


So, where am I now?  Well last summer determined this summer.  A year ago, I found out what was wrong and shared the diagnosis in an October post but never told you what my decision was - surgery or to simply live with it.  The truth is, I didn't know.  I asked friends and immediate family members what they would do, asked them what they felt would be best, tried a thoracic outlet syndrome (TOS) specialized physical therapist, had tearful conversations, and drank many cocktails looking for the answer. 


It has been 12 and 16 days since I've had surgery; this summer, I had major invasive surgery...

It reminds me of...

The last week in May is and will always be the week that I am most reminded of my grandparents.  Not only is it Memorial Day but both their birthdays fall within that week.  As I sat on my porch, I realized how many things I love, see, or do in my daily life reminds me of my grandparents.  I was one of the lucky ones, you know the kid that really got to know their grandparents, spent lots of time at their house, basically felt like they were an extra set of parents...lucky me, right?  RIGHT!

For instance, my grams is a large part of me and a lot of the things I do and am constantly reminded of that as I return to the activities we shared when she was alive.  My grandpa?  Ah, my gramps is probably the main seed of the Ricklefs stubbornness and pride that I love to hate but mostly love.

I get an odd sense of comfort when I see something that reminds me of my family.  Here's my list of reminders that I hope I never lose!!

Grams...

• wind chimes, she had them in pretty much every doorway in her house.  I would make a point of hitting at least once a day
• stargazer lilies..of the hot pink variety
• slight hoarding in my cupboards/closets
• craft supplies, cooking, & giving people their daily hug
• the wind...

Gramps...

• fishing
• owls
• marbles
• antique tractors...

Family is...

Family is what you make of it.  Most people have a conservative view of what a family is: male, female, a few blood relatives.  But I disagree, family presents itself in a variety of ways.  For me, I am amazed at how my different families have developed over the years.  I have my school family - a group of wonderful people all thrown together working toward similar goals that I met in college.  Then there are the work families I have acquired, these are the ones that surprise me the most. 

My past work family, you had the mom who'd do anything in her power to help you or just make you feel special for the day.  My "sisters" celebrated when you celebrated and when you were down tried their best to help you out of your funk.  I never thought about how true the individuals I work with really do become a part of my family, I invest in their life and care about them.  More interestingly, I never realized how much each person somehow relates to a stereotyped personality within a common family unit.

Looking at my current work family, it is very diverse; not everyone gets along, not everyone understands each other, and we don't see each other every day or even every week.  None of that matters though, it really comes down to the interactions and the mode in the environment.  We still have Poppa Bear who looks after everyone, taking the time to get to knew them, cares for them, is hard on them when he needs to be, and gives you space to make mistakes and learn from them.  The sibling, who people are nice to but don't necessarily agree with what they do, says, and generally makes people feel uneasy when their around whether they means well or not.  The fun loving uncle who is always there with a joke, smile, or even a hug; he is always down for a good time but still gets his work done. 

You have a couple older siblings - they are conflicted between what they want to do and what they feel they need to do to help their family.  The few rocks who falls in the middle to younger portion for the bunch, encouraging those around them, putting themselves on the backburner because they believe someone is always in more need than themselves.  You have the 1-2 very quiet people in the family that are hard to relate to but nevertheless you still want the best for them.  A few siblings, don't necessarily know what they want to do with their life or what their path in life will look like but do well in whatever they do, striving to be the best version of themselves.  Finally, you have the smack middle child and the youngest children.  The true middle child is probably the most intelligent out of the bunch, but for whatever reason appears to work against themselves.  They don't believe they deserve good things or they have the ability to achieve the dreams they have.  They simply need someone to push them a little more and to really believe in them.  The babies of the family, everyone wants to look out for them and hope that the given little hiccups in their lives don't push them off track to their true potential.  You as an older sibling also hope that they learn which battles to fight and which to let go and be the bigger person. 

It's funny, how much I really do view the people I work closely with as a family.  I spend a lot of time with them and I enjoy the stability their personalities and interactions provide.  More importantly, I like to be part of people's lives even as a spectator watching as they pass through pivotal points in their lives.  It'll be interesting to see how interactions and personalities change as people come and go but I'm sure no one will be able to fill the shoes of family members past.

Does anyone else ever feel like you form families in the most interesting ways?

Sauna Etiquette

My two guy friends and myself usually go to the gym, do our own respected workouts then go sit in the sauna together.  I understand that there will always be that one person that messes up on the sauna etiquette (in my mind)  You know that guy that's trying to pick a fight with you over useless current events or hitting on you. 

Haha, yep seems about right...

Yesterday evening was not an exception to this idea.  Last night, my buddies and I go into the sauna and sure enough here comes the weirdo, who farmer blew his nose, put his grimy hands on the seat & magazine he was reading...all proceeding to rub his stomach and chest.  What?  Why are you sitting 1. super close to me and 2. awkwardly rubbing yourself.  Excuse me, sir, you are not in here alone!
As I was sitting there trying not to gage, I thought of a few Sauna Etiquette rules that need to be posted on the door as you walk in.

1. Chatting is okay, yelling is not.
2. Don't sweat/sneeze/cough on the person next to you
3. Avoid staring at people's bodies - they notice; don't be a creep!
4. Just start a conversation if you want- again don't awkwardly stare
5. If you start to get dizzy or have a hard time breathing- Get OUT

I remember when I was studying abroad in Ireland at the student rec center or should I say room.  The thing was tiny but they had a really great sign as you walked in of the rules.  Basically, it said to wear clothes, don't smell, don't hit on/oogle over other people in the gym, and don't steal anything.  Of course it said this in a very Irish, funny way.  Once again interactions at the gym crack me up!

How do people do it!

So far after I made my goals for 2012 I haven't been doing so well on that updating the blog more regularly. Sorry about that!  I've been feeling overwhelmed lately with the new job at Office Max.  I've been working roughly 35 hours a week in the print shop and learning all the new systems they are running off.  I understand that undergraduate and graduate school are different but dang I don't remember how I worked, volunteered, trained for my half, did well in school, and had some type of down time when I was in undergrad.  I have a larger respect for people who work full time and go to school - you guys rock!    .....and do you have any tips?!?!

On another note, I've been sick for the past week or so which has put yet another small hault on my workout schedule.  I went to the gym last night after work, I figured I was feeling better, might as well give it a shot.  I get to the gym and guess what I forgot - a sports bra!  Man, I hate when that happens normally I would just leave; I'm not above admitting that I"ll leave.  Last night I was just so determined to get a workout in; so I tried working out in a normal bra and a fleece half zip - worst experience ever!!

1st of all so uncomfortable and I was dying of heat!  How in the heck to people run/work out in a normal bra and wear long sleeves?!? Note to self: always recheck the gym bag before leaving for work/school!