It is what it is

I hate the way you look at me and the way you stare
I hate it when you look sexy in your pea coat and stupid neutral clothes
I hate it when you shut down and when you're not around
I hate it when I don't sleep unless you are there
I hate it when you are always right and when it makes me not good enough
I hate when you cut yourself short
I hate it when you talk about your friends as if you were dating and when you're quiet
I hate the fact you assume my likes and dislikes
I hate it when you call me the worst and mean it
I hate when you make me laugh even more when you make me cry
I hate how you pick on me and tell me to relax
Mostly I hate the way I don't hate you not even a little bit, not even at all

I miss...

the way things used to be.  This past 2 weeks have been a challenge.  I thought I had become this vessel of strength that could take on anything well after being broken into, having to go back on a muscle relaxer/pain med, and trying to be perfect so I could be that ray of sunshine I was quickly reminded I am human, I have limits, I can be an emotional girl.

I didn't think that losing my grandmother's jewelry would send me down the path of emotional rollercoaster like when she passed away, but it did.  This past few weeks I've gone through the numb/unhappy/why me stage and now I am hypersensitive and just want to be perfect stage.  Which only makes matters worse, increases my anxiety, and sends those around me into shut down mood when I take a joke or a smirk personal and cry.  I feel bad for those around me because I went from being a girl that needed anyone but always kept them at a distance because they just always disappointed her to being the girl that needs the people around her 5-6 days a week to function and feel safe.

I miss:
being highly independent, the world can't hurt me attitude.
having my heart race when you'd hold my hand.
the warmth from my (bear) hug of the day exchanged among friends at work
being good at school.
not being in significant amounts of pain.
the excitement in your eyes when you'd look at me.
ridiculous comments throughout hour long conversations, hearing you become tongue tied while explaining something
dancing around, acting goofy.
your humming.
listening to friends dink around with their keyboard and guitars.
feeling safe in my house, having it be warm and inviting so everyone would enjoy spending time there.
feeling nervous and taking my time to get ready when we'd all hang out because I liked you (hello when harry met sally? haha )
sharing a common space with someone while studying, playing video games, watching tv, just hanging out...your presence.
the way we were.
actually seeing/spending time with friends.
me.

A little shocked

It never fails, when you need people they call you out of the blue or finally return your call.  Friday not only was I robbed but the one person who always makes me feel better called, but didn't actually speak to them until Sunday evening.

It's funny how that works out, they always know when something isn't quite right so they call to check up on you.  I had a good conversation with him, caught up on all his life happenings, which were a bit shocking.

We exchanged life updates, he asked me all about my new job (couldn't be more impressed/happy for me) and my boyfriend.  (side note: I didn't date in the past, I'm a little bit picky and just don't like a lot of people... so it's kind of a big deal among my friends and family because they want nothing but the best for me and don't believe i should settle) anyway... My friend shocked me this evening by not only giving approval of my dating choice ...but he said he realized/thought his ex was the one.

Yep, that awkward moment when your first love approves of your dating choice and tells you they think they found the one.  Not even upset or sad, just a little shocked because I didn't realize how serious his relationship had gotten.

Is this what growing up is like?  Being happy and hopeful for the ones you love despite past emotions, if so I think I got this part covered...

Thank you

Mom, Dad, if you are reading my blog -  Thank you.  I know I have had some hiccups in life decisions and you hate my panic, tearful phone calls.  I'm very thankful for the things you've helped me accomplish and provided; I'm thankful for the things you didn't give me and made me work for all on my own.  I realize that all 3 of us kids are giving you a run for your money right now so thanks for caring, pushing us, and being there for us in your own distinct (and different) ways.

Love,
Your Daughter

My brother Jonathan, Dad, and I on Christmas (it was a mild winter in Iowa last year)

Mom and big brother Adam

Some things you can never get back

This weekend started off very rough.  Friday morning my house was broken into and precious jewelry was stolen.  Both my roommate and I had gotten things stolen but I especially lost my marbles because most of items that were stolen were from family members for special occasions.  The worst thing that was stolen was my custom made ring my grandpa gave me from my grandma's diamond and ruby earring she wore almost every day.  I will never be able to replace that ring, the memories, and the sense of comfort knowing that a piece of her was with me.

I'm a little bit of a jumpy person - easily scared if you will.  Now, I am definitely jumpy.  I can't help but to think the robber was in my house the same time I was due to items being out of place both times I had returned that day and that all they took was jewelry so what was keeping them for returning for our other valuables.  Not to mention the feeling of violation, they were in my room, sat on my bed, picked through my things.  I feel devastated.  I believe I've only felt this helpless 2 other times in my life:

1. when my grandma actually passed away
2. when I found out I had a rare syndrome (TOS) and the doctor wasn't sure how to treat it

I'm sure there are others but these are the top two that distinctly stand out.  My grandpa told me that no one can take away the memory or presence of my grandma and she never left my side but I just can't feel her anymore.  It's like she just passed away and I"m reliving every memory of it.  He's worried I'll become consumed by grief like I did in high school.  I'll lose sight of the big picture, forget to take care of myself and strive for perfection- tunnel vision, no mistakes, educational success, no sleep, and go into hermit mode.  I hate to admit it but, he has every right to worry about me this has been a hectic and life altering couple of months.

- surgery, robbery, school, new job, boyfriend, new roommate, medical bill stress, body image struggles (post surgery scars/not being able to do as much)

It's a lot, I work through it every day.  As for now, my house makes creepy sounds.  I don't like to be alone especially at night, everything will work itself out if I keep trying little by little. 

I will find peace again, hopefully it doesn't take another 6-7 years, I hope another part of me doesn't die like it did in high school.  I'm just accepting that some things you can never get back but that doesn't mean the memories are gone forever...

Emotions

That awkward moment you react to a situation in a way you weren't expecting.  Man, this has happened to me all week.  Fact: sometimes all you need to do is cry and it'll make you feel better...I can tell I am stressed given the fact I've cried oh pretty much every day this week.  Yep, no shame.  I cried, I felt better; end of story.

it's funny though when you react to a situation you weren't expecting at all.  For example, tonight I was told that someone close to me was planning on moving when their lease was up, I started to cry.  There wasn't an exact reason, I just couldn't help the tears from building up (that's been happening a lot lately!  failed attempts at a great date night, watching a movie that reminds me of my grandma, or when medical departments try to screw you over...)

Normally, in the above situation I would be so excited for them; I would say I think that is wonderful, you need to get out of your comfort zone, go experience a different city that you've always wanted to live in, be closer to one of your best friends whom you love, Denver will always be here - go be free!  But what did I do...tears, I couldn't help it.  I felt sad.  Really sad.  That's when I realized, maybe I care for this person a little more than I expected; I mean why else would I be so upset about the given situation?

It is very possible that it ignited by old bad habits of not being good enough, smart enough, available enough, similar enough, or make someone happy enough to find the silver lining.  All I know is this:  It's that awkward moment when emotions react faster than your brain and when you realize what's the point...  

If you could, would you choose the same path?

These questions has been swirling inside my brain for the past few weeks.  The question of, "If I could, would I have the surgery again?" or "Do you wish you had the surgery sooner?" and "Would you advise your surgery for another person?"  My simple answer...yes.

I definitely would choose surgery again, and I do wish I would have had surgery sooner despite the pain, frustration, tears (oh so many tears), and feeling like an broken unanswered science project; I feel better- not great but better.  I wouldn't even blink or skip a heart beat, I would do it all over.  Would I listen to my heart more saying have the surgery, your friends and family will understand eventually, definitely.  I spent so much time going back and forth, thinking about the pros and cons, asking myself did I do everything in my power to be better, and how much longer can you hide/overcome the pain.  I remember thinking, what would it be like if I died on the operating table or  had to have a chest tube; would the world that I lived in change - maybe?  I was terrified of dying and I was disappointed in myself for agreeing with those who said I had given up, said I was weak.  My heart was heavy, my body hurt, and my mind - my mind was tired; tired of focusing on something that was only getting worse.

My PT told me yesterday, you know it is really hard to decide lets remove a rib from my body, let alone 2 ribs....at a young age.  I'm glad you got the surgery, I'm happy you don't cry during the entire PT session anymore and I can see you smile.  I couldn't agree more!  When is the right time in your life to say, "Enough is Enough.  I'm done, I've tried everything in my power and I keep  getting worse" - you'll know that moment when you get there.  TOS presents itself in a variety of ways, maybe you were born with it, maybe it was caused by repetitive movements, or from a traumatic injury.  Whatever the case may be- surgery is individual, your disease is individual, its misdiagnosed, misunderstood, and mistreated.

My advice for 1st rib resection surgery for TOS is this:  The decision is yours.  Surgery is long, you'll wake up in extreme pain, and recovery is a slow process.  However, you'll see a change in symptoms despite the pain and discomfort that the surgery caused.  There will be highs and there will be lows- hearing others stories will provide comfort and emotional distress (why are they healing faster than me {childish I know, but it's part of the mental game})  

1st rib resection surgery changed my life forever.  I feel my spark coming back to life and am excited what the future holds.  It's been hard.  I still feel broken and freakish some days and I still cry.  It is all part of the process.  I was told to slow down, had I broken my arm I would have just gotten my cast of and Christine you've  had this your entire life, what made you think recovery was going to be immediate without a lot of hard work?  They were right, I got so excited I forgot - surgery isn't an easy fix, it takes work to heal properly!

There have been a lot of rough very rough days, but this is me, this is my story, my disease, my life and I'm owning it.